Hell on Earth
by bruised anatomy
Summary: All she wants is to survive her family reunion. She expects this summer to be difficult; but she certainly doesn’t expect to show her rather unexpected companion the wonders of cars, porn, and puppy love.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: All she wants is to survive her family reunion. She expects this summer to be difficult; but she certainly doesn't expect to show her rather unexpected companion the wonders of cars, porn, and puppy love.

**_Hell on Earth_**

She was bored... And then she was wet... So very uncomfortably wet...

Hermione tossed her cousin Ralph a glance filled to the brim with hatred for his childish antics. She just wanted to go back to her room and read a book or perhaps even take a nap or watch some mind numbing television. But no, her mother had demanded that she spend time with her cousins while they were in town.

She decided that tanning was out of the question as everyone just wanted her to end up sopping wet.

She huffed and pulled her hair into a careless bun before walking over to her father and uncle's side to offer her assistance. "Mmm. Those smell good, Daddy. Can I help?"

Her dad smiled, and her uncle laughed. "Let the men take care of bringin' home the bacon and makin' sure it's nice and crispy, okay, Honey? Why don't you help your mom set the table or something instead?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. Stupid sexist uncle. And her parents wonder why she wouldn't spend more time with the family. She'd probably shoot herself. If he were anyone but a relation, she would have told him off and slapped him. But as it was, he was her damned uncle; and she would probably get grounded for the rest of her life if she were rude to him.

She couldn't wait until school started again. Then she wouldn't have to pretend to tolerate people she couldn't stand.

**_Hell on Earth_**

**Ten Months, One Week, and Three Days Later**

"Harry!" Hermione called, practically tripping over herself to reach her best friend who was evidently too far away to hear her. "Harry!" She was full out sprinting, now; and he had yet to hear her. "Haaarryy!!" She took a flying leap and tackled him forcing the two to skid and roll a couple times.

The two took heaving breaths to calm themselves, and Harry sat up to rub his head. "Ow."

"Harry!"

"Ju- Wha-?"

"I need you!"

Harry looked particularly pleased and flattered as he began to stand up. "Well, you know, Hermione, I do have a girlfriend," he got an inquiring look on his face, "but, of course, if she doesn't mind – or even if she'd like to join-!" He reached out a hand to help her up, and she accepted it.

Only to drop it immediately after she was on her feet. "Har-?" she started and stopped to say his name and whispered, "What are you even going on about?" before getting back to the point. "I need your help!" she cried.

"Are you sure you don't mean boner - I mean - body?" not quite sure if he believed her.

She looked disgruntled at his question and whisper-yelled, "Of course I don't mean boner!" then more calmly she explained, "but I _do_ need your body"

He gave her a pervy look.

"Not like that, you pree-vert."

Rubbing the back of his head, he laughed, "Well, damn."

"Listen, every few years or so, my family has this huge family reunion in America. And I'm not quite sure how it happened, but my entire family on my dad's side is made up of men. And they are all chauvinist assholes." His eyes were starting to look glazed over, so she shook him to make her point. "Chauvinist assholes, Harry! Assholes! I really can't handle being around all the testosterone without someone there to talk shit with! Please, Harry!" She got on her hands and knees to start begging, "You can't let me go alone. You can't!"

He looked down at her and said in the most serious voice she had ever heard him speak in since Voldemort, "You know, with all this talk about boners, it really looks like you're about to give me a BJ."

She stood up hurriedly and "hmph"ed as she crossed her arms. "So will you help me or not?"

"Well, you know, I usually spend my summers with the Weasely's; and I'm not sure how much Ginny would like it if I was going to spend most of it with you." He paused and at her crestfallen look he changed his mind. "But like they always say, 'bros before hos.'"

He outstretched his fisted hand. And cautiously she did the same. They proceeded to bump fists. "Are you high?"

He moved his head in a negative manner in time with his words. "Of course no-" but at her accusing look, he admitted, "as a kite in March."

"Ah. Well, that explains some things then."


End file.
